I Struggled with Networking Until This Mindset Change

If networking evokes fake, “LinkedIn-ish” feelings, this is for you.

Dall E

For years, I hated “networking.”

I thought it was fake. A transactional game where people pretended to be interested in each other, just to make a sale, land a gig, or climb the ladder.

I tried it anyway.

Man, if you knew the number of awkward conversations I’ve had. How many virtual meetups where I couldn’t muster the courage even to introduce myself because it just wasn’t me. All those cold DMs that got ignored.

Every attempt left me feeling like a desperate job seeker. It wasn’t working.

Then, I made one small change. And suddenly, networking became much easier.

Why networking feels hard and inauthentic

If you’ve ever felt like networking is uncomfortable, you’re not alone.

Here’s why it feels unnatural for so many writers and founders:

1. It feels like you have to “perform.” You think you have to be impressive. That pressure kills authenticity.

2. It feels forced and transactional. If you’re just there to get something, people sense it. Heck, you sense it yourself. It feels sleazy, and not at all genuine.

3. It lacks an immediate payoff. Most relationships won’t yield instant results. That makes it frustrating when you’re looking for quick wins.

We’re all used to working solo. We’d rather create than … “schmooze.” So networking feels like a necessary evil.

But that’s where we get it wrong.

The mindset shift that changed everything

Here’s the shift that changed my approach completely:

Stop networking. Start making friends.

That’s it.

Instead of thinking, “How can this person help me?” I started thinking, “How can I support them?”

Instead of pitching myself, I asked about their work.

Instead of trying to “network,” I just looked for people I liked talking to.

Something incredible happened.

I don’t feel as nervous. Talking to new people feels exciting, not sleazy or pushy. More importantly, opportunities started coming to me. People invited me to collaborate, asked for my input. Some even paid me for my services.

Not because I asked. But because I focused on relationships instead of transactions.

That’s when I realized:

Networking isn’t about selling yourself. It’s about showing up, giving value, and being a person others want to know.

Here are my tips on how to do it, for you who may have struggled as I have.

A framework for authentic connection

I follow three simple rules when connecting with people now, new or old.

1. Give before you take

People hate feeling used. So, never make your first interaction an ask.

Instead, lead with value—without expecting anything in return.

Some ways to do this:

• Share their work. Restack/share a post, comment on their article, or mention them in a newsletter.

• Make introductions. Know two people who should meet? Connect them.

• Give meaningful feedback. A generic “Love this!” doesn’t count. Say what resonated, what you learned, or how you applied it.

I regularly comment on people’s Notes and newsletters on Substack, leaving detailed conversational starters talking about their ideas. No expectation, etc.

Turns out, people like it when you do that genuinely. Most respond in kind, reciprocate, and even follow you or subscribe.

2. Lead with curiosity

People love talking about themselves. Give them a chance.

When you reach out, skip the generic “Let’s connect” and ask an engaging question instead:

• “I saw your latest newsletter—what inspired that take?”

• “I read your book. How did you approach the writing process?”

• “I loved your interview on [podcast]. What was your biggest insight from that conversation?”

This works because it shifts the focus to them, not you. And it makes them actually want to reply.

3. Play the long game

Real relationships take time.

Don’t expect instant results. Just keep showing up, giving value, and engaging consistently.

Some ways to do this:

• Be active in communities. Join Substack discussions, comment on LinkedIn if you want. If you have Slack/WhatsApp groups or paid learning communities, don’t just lurk. Interact, contribute.

• Follow up naturally. If someone gives you advice, implement it and tell them the result.

• Think of them when checking in. “Hey, I saw this post that I think you’d be interested in.”

Networking is about staying top of mind. But you don’t do that by constantly asking for things. You do it by continuously providing value and genuinely engaging over time.

How to apply this today

Let’s make this actionable.

Try one of these today:

• Comment meaningfully on five people’s posts.

• Send a DM with a thoughtful question—no pitch.

• Express your appreciation for someone you like!

• Share someone’s work and explain why you liked it.

• Introduce two people who might benefit from knowing each other.

Do this daily. No pressure, no expectations. Just small, consistent actions that compound over time.=

The unexpected rewards of building real relationships

I’m not a networking person by far. I’m still very much introverted -- I don’t go around setting appointments and making deals left and right.

But since adopting this mindset, connecting no longer feels like a chore. It feels like an exciting new adventure, with the potential to make good friends. And sometimes, opportunities even drift my way.

If networking has ever felt forced or fake to you, try this shift. Make friends: give before you take, lead with curiosity, play the long game.

You’ll be amazed at what happens next.

PS. Who are your Substack friends? Tag your “network” because why not 😂

---

PS. Is your writing voice Unpromptable? Take this free 3-minute assessment quiz.

You can also support W10x by leaving me a tip on Buy Me A Coffee.